Conversation is a girls best friend.

My head feels so much clearer. I think the metaphor I have to use to describe my mind goes like this:
When I have problems they invade my body like dark clouds filling with rain. The longer these problems linger in my mind the bigger, darker, and heavier the clouds become. Soon everywhere I look, I have to peer through the darkness. My every move starts to feel weighted and painful. My thoughts become completely clouded over with my saddness and soon my whole body is so filled up with depression that I can no longer eat. But when someone listens the rain comes. The rain comes down and though some things may be painful to say at the moment, saying them eliminates the heavy burden that had been crushing me. The cloud eventually rains itself completely away and I can breathe again. I feel clear and free and content.

"Creep"

I hate who I am. I hate that I have this stupid personality that gets along with most but no one really loves. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but I just really wish I could actually connect with someone for once. I want to be more than just someone liked and accepted. I want to be loved and appreciated. I want to missed.

"I want you to notice when I'm not around."

Thom Yorke said it perfectly as he always does. I do want people to notice when I'm not around. I'm noticed when I am around. I always make sure of that one way or another, but if I suddenly became completely absent from the lives of those around me would anyone really miss me at all? Or would the memory of me fade into the background never to resurface in their minds again? Questions I ask myself again and again.

I hate being part of a group of three friends. It is just not fun. When it is three people two of them always gang up on or exclude the last one, and it seems like I am disproportionately frequently the last one.
I love spending time with people one on one. I always prefer it to anything else, although small groups of maybe 4-10 are usually fine. But I don't like giant mobs and I hate trios.

College Choices

Is it odd that I am a 20 year old college student who tired of texting? Especially when people try to have full length conversations via text, and they can't take the hint that I am trying to end it. I am tired of getting text messages just because someone is bored. Just because someone thought making my phone vibrate every 10 seconds would be a good way to pass the time.
I have stuff to do!
Sure, if you have something urgent to say, let me know, but don't just text me because you can't think of anything better. Do some homework. Read a book. Exercise. Take a nap. Whatever, just leave me alone until you actually have something important to say.
(bad segue...)
Speaking of doing homework instead of texting, do you know what annoys me about college students? The fact that they make bad choices and complain about bad consequences. Everyone here is old enough to know how to organize priorities. Everyone understands cause and effect, choice and consequence, and yet they act like the world is out to get them when something bad happens, when in reality its their own damn fault.

"My stupid teacher gave a pop quiz the day I skipped and now I am failing!"
"The stupid police gave me a ticket just because I parked in the teacher lot for a few minutes!"
"The stupid professor assigned this huge project last week and there is no way I can finish it tonight!"
"My stupid parents won't shut up about that retarded class I failed!"
"Those stupid neighbors keep making noise and I have the worst hangover ever!"
"The stupid police gave me an MIP (minor in possesion) and there is no way I can pay it!"
"The stupid apartment is kicking me out just because I quit my stupid job and can't pay rent for a while."


Stop whining! YOU are the stupid one! YOU are the dumbass who keeps making awful fucking decisions, so it is YOUR fault and no one else's that awful things keep happening. You are not five years old. You are an adult, and you knew the possibilities. So if you can't deal with bad consequences, try actually making good choices.
Organize your prioritoes. Stop being lazy. Plan ahead. Start early. Write things down. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from your friends' mistakes. Sleep. Buy a planner. Go to class. Follow the law. Study. Think of others. And understand that if a lot of people keep telling you not to do something, there is probably a pretty good reason, so DON'T DO IT.

...buuuut if you won't do those things, then you have no one to blame but yourself for the bad things that happen to you, so don't expect the rest of us to have any sympathy for you and your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decisions.